Repeat. Of how I felt years ago. Oh I worry. Of you. More of me. The thought of not having you here…to call every morning. To seek advice. I tremble at the thought. You call so often now, as if you know how hard it is for me to talk to you. At least, when you’re frozen in time like..this. This man. This man I talk to way too loud. This man I explain myself to more times than necessary. I think I won’t be okay this time. I need you here. Not the flesh. Not the meat suit that wears your clothes. No, for he is not you. My, ..my. I can not find the words I need. I need you. Where do I go without the yang to my ying? Without my guardian? Without,. my Father? I try my best to ignore your calls. To ignore this situation as it sits. I do not seek attention, but rather a distraction. From where I sit now. In life that is. For a life without you is not one I want to imagine. And you thought I didn’t need the anxiety medicine. Pshh, I need it more now than ever. I need you to know how much you have made me the person I am today. I would not be here without you. I am lost, still, now. Waiting for you to come back to me. I know you’re in there somewhere. You have to be. Because if you are not, I am already gone.
Let the silence embellish our worries with sin. I look at how hard I try. It sickens me as I think of how fast my mind goes and how you can’t keep up. I see this color. On my nails, my hair, my skin. It saddens me to think how I’ve changed. If only you could see under this scarred flesh. This facade. These words don’t come out right but I stumble on what I really want. This lust and hatred. It’s a tainted potion. I don’t practice witchcraft but I am a master in destruction. I specialize in self destruction. You bring that out in me. Isn’t it grand? This control you have over me? This ruthless need for me to hear your voice. Seek your approval.
I find you peculiar in ways I see myself as an issue. I am not the answer you’re searching for darling. Remind me again to tell you my life story though I do not trust you just yet. I think you’re in over your head my love. I think not. For me to be in over my head I must first have a head to be in over. I’m mad as a hatter but sold as a child of this institution. I know not of God but of this world. Is there a problem? The solution will never be in you. Or in me. But rather it is unknown until it is seen. Ever heard of believing without seeing? A task for fools I’m sure. I’m nervous when I make you uncomfortable. This is not my intent rest assured. I think I see too much of me in you. I overcompensate for my fucked up past by asking you too many things I wonder about myself. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. You see, there is a gap, a blank space, a missing chunk of my life where I need to find the missing puzzle pieces. This game of psychology I play is more for me. See a therapist you recommend? Oh I think not. I find you far too curious about me. What answers are you seeking and why would you think I have them. Stored away for safe keeping. These cold chills I get are less of the weather affecting me and more of your affect on me. I say things I mean and never say things I don’t mean. The trouble I find myself in is when I don’t ask the things i want to and instead keep my intentions hidden from you because I’m afraid of your judgement.