Repeat. Of how I felt years ago. Oh I worry. Of you. More of me. The thought of not having you here…to call every morning. To seek advice. I tremble at the thought. You call so often now, as if you know how hard it is for me to talk to you. At least, when you’re frozen in time like..this. This man. This man I talk to way too loud. This man I explain myself to more times than necessary. I think I won’t be okay this time. I need you here. Not the flesh. Not the meat suit that wears your clothes. No, for he is not you. My, ..my. I can not find the words I need. I need you. Where do I go without the yang to my ying? Without my guardian? Without,. my Father? I try my best to ignore your calls. To ignore this situation as it sits. I do not seek attention, but rather a distraction. From where I sit now. In life that is. For a life without you is not one I want to imagine. And you thought I didn’t need the anxiety medicine. Pshh, I need it more now than ever. I need you to know how much you have made me the person I am today. I would not be here without you. I am lost, still, now. Waiting for you to come back to me. I know you’re in there somewhere. You have to be. Because if you are not, I am already gone.
Let the silence embellish our worries with sin. I look at how hard I try. It sickens me as I think of how fast my mind goes and how you can’t keep up. I see this color. On my nails, my hair, my skin. It saddens me to think how I’ve changed. If only you could see under this scarred flesh. This facade. These words don’t come out right but I stumble on what I really want. This lust and hatred. It’s a tainted potion. I don’t practice witchcraft but I am a master in destruction. I specialize in self destruction. You bring that out in me. Isn’t it grand? This control you have over me? This ruthless need for me to hear your voice. Seek your approval.